How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
