You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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