I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
