I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
