I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
