If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
