The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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