i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize