apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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