I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
