I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
