if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
