I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize