Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
