Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
