you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
