I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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