Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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