I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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