If that was your dad, he is hot
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
