I will die if light touches me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
