you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
