Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
