theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I forget how to act sober
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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