At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
