I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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