when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
