I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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