Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Randomize
