PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
