Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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