I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
