I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
