Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
