she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
