so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
