i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
