I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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