The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
