2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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