I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize