There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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