Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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