while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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