I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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