My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
