his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
