So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
