i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
