Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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