I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
