He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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