guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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