i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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