i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The air was thick with penises
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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